Back to work

I went back to work today! Whats the point of sitting at home.  My arm still hurts but the stitches are out and I took of the gauze today! My hairy armpit resembles an over grown cage fighters but I plan to shave and wash it tonight! Happy birthday to my armpit.  I guess I should take advantage of the situation as god knows what the doctor is going to say tomorrow!

Which brings me to my next topic.. I am terrified. I mean there are two case scenarios really, the doctor is going to say, all the melanoma has gone but you still need chemo, your hair is going to fall out and your fertility will be lost, or he could say your melanoma is still in your armpit you need surgery and chemo and your hair is going to fall out and your fertility is going to be lost.  There are many side effects to chemo. Depending on which you have. The one major benefit is getting rid of any cancer. Everything else is against you really, its bad for all your major organs, you loose ALL your hair, you can gain weight, you are sick, totally knackered and your fertility goes. Which means unless you have 6 kids and you are really sure you don’t want anymore then that’s ok, but not an issue is it?!    I have one son and I have always wanted two perhaps even three, and now I’m thinking what if I cant, or what if I have to harvest my eggs and then I need to have sex with a needle after and end up with triplets. Then what if I cant get pregnant because I have to have regular check ups, or what if I am pregnant and the cancer comes back and I have to choose my life over my unborn baby’s life?

Seriously, I am 35! All I want to worry about is what I am having for dinner, whether my arse looks big in anything I wear and whether I can afford to pay the bills this month.   Huge massive choices aren’t really something I want to make and I dont take kindly to change. Ask anyone!

Saying that though I have changed my diet.  Still on the healthy salads and hubby made me a soya kebab sweet and sour dish with steamed rice.  Wasn’t too bad actually, the kebabs have the texture of wild mushrooms, which is great, if you like wild mushrooms which I do.   I tried soya milk in tea.  BIG FAT YUK to that.  Gotta have my cows milk I’m afraid.. it tastes a bit like oily fatty tea.  Not my cup of tea for sure lol Baby steps with regards to change then!

Leaving the office today, I was asking everyone to keep the fingers crossed and as I shut the door behind me and as I stood at the lift I was shaking from head to toe knowing that time was flying by before I find out the truth.    Then I picked up my son from nursery and cuddled him so tight and tried really hard not to cry because soon I am going to find out the truth.   Then driving home I tried to hold it together but struggled cause soon I am going to find out the truth.

The news could be great, but the truth is, the doctor is not going to tell me “hey Alethea, its a miracle, you are fine go home no further treatment or visits required” and we all lived happily every after. The End.

I am preparing myself for every case scenario.  When I pick up my CT scan results tomorrow at 730am, do I look at them straight away, do I wait to see the doctor?  What would you do in my shoes?  I don’t think I am going to wait.  I cant wait anymore.   I need to know what lies ahead so I can ready myself and kick this stupid disease out my life out of my body and out of my fairytale so I can live happily ever after, with my son, my husband and preferably some more children too!

Here’s praying for a happy ending!

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