Tests and Results

So I went for my CT scan on yesterday.  The usual people where there and I was late cause I got the times mixed up and they were actually worried about me. Getting used to seeing me now.  They got me all ready with the butterfly and off I went.   It doesn’t seem so scary anymore but I could think of other more fun things to do! I also go prepared with a dress with no buttons and no metals so I don’t have to change into one of those drafty robes.. lol

Anyway, they called me after I left to ask some questions and then the doctor said it was clear. ALL clear.  Which means I’m all clear again.  Talk about a roller coaster of oh shits and sighs of relief..

I spoke to the secretary of the oncologist I was being referred to and she said he looked at my scans and that he confirmed they were clear too!  So I was referred back to my radiologist. I have no idea whats next as she said I’m back on the watch and wait list again..I am going to see my first oncologist sometime next week to see what my options are.

I came across an article about vitamin supplements and malignant melanoma by the daily mail. It says that it can speed up tumor growth especially in women. You can read it here but it advises not to take pills containing vitamin E, ascorbic acid, beta-carotene, selenium and zinc http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1315724/Could-daily-vitamin-pill-cause-skin-cancer-Scientists-fear-speeds-tumour-growth.html#ixzz10qblvN00 

I’ve also been told that over exercising can harm you as your body needs to fight cancer and not focus on building your muscles! 🙂

So all good news again for me. I feel blessed and lucky and supported by many. Thank you 🙂

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Having the right attitude is the key

Since I got the news, every day I got up it took an effort for me to smile, walk even breathe as I just couldn’t be bothered.  Even my son couldn’t help as I was afraid of what could be and wasn’t embracing the what is.

I have never felt so upset in my life, it was like the biggest heartbreak ever, the kind you feel as a teenager when “the love of your life” dumps you during school break time! I thought my world was over, I thought I was going to die, I thought the worst. And I couldn’t snap out of it. I said to my hubby “whats the point of being optimistic? I was optimistic last time and where did that get me? What have I got to smile about? I got fired, now my cancer is back and although I am grateful for my son and you I may not be here to enjoy it anyway, so what have I got to be optimistic about?”

Then a friend of mine from England sent me flowers via her mum who has a flower shop in Cyprus.  They really cheered me up. I’m a sucker for flowers, always have been.   So that’s when I found my smile again! I realised its ok to smile even though my cancer came back and that its not the end of the world and that I am strong and healthy and I can still fight it and I have many years left in me yet. It could still be a lot worse.

So today I went to see my old oncologist at the Paphos hospital. He already seen me prior to my radiotherapy.  He was clearly concerned that my melanoma came back but after a good feel, and I mean a really good feel of shoulders, neck back, armpit and of course out came my over exposed right boob he said that he’s pretty sure my CT scan on Monday will come up clear. I asked about treatmenat and  I told him I don’t really want to have interferon, I want something stronger, something that will really help me. Chemo.  He said to have my CT scan on Monday, see my other doctors in Nicosia and then speak to them after as there is this drug that is meant to be quite good for melanomas. (He didn’t specify what).  I also got to see a friend from the bus journey, Lady B. She always makes me feel happy and makes me laugh too.

So I felt more optimistic when I left his office. I felt cared for and concerned for and he gave me hope.

So the next time your friend feels really down send them flowers. Cause you will be surprised how much it can effect their whole outlook on life and if nothing else it helps them find their smile again, which for me gave me the right attidute.

Thanks Elena for helping me find my smile again. I cant wait to see you soon. xx

🙂 <– me smiling!

Recurrence & Aggressive

Those are two words you do not want to hear when you are fighting cancer.  Unfortunately today those are the two words I did hear and that are now swimming around in my head.

My doctor said it was fatty tissue that was removed (not a rogue lymph  node), and the pathology once again was positive for malignant metastatic melanoma.

He said that I need to have a chest CT scan to make sure it hasn’t gone anywhere else which I have already arranged for Monday at the General Hospital.  I also had a chest x ray which I will get the results when I see the doctor or when he phones me. This will establish my stage again. Last one was stage 3C

He will discuss my case in further detail with the oncologist and said the most likely treatment as form of prevention that they can give me is a high dose of interferon for one year.  Chemo is only given to stage 4 melanomas that have progressed to the organs. The do not give it to prevent it.

He also said that I may need further surgery should anything appear in the CT to clear out my right armpit a bit further.  I said to my husband they should just remove my armpit and attach my arm to my neck or somewhere else. I might look a bit odd and wave a bit funny too and I probably wouldn’t reach to scratch my back side but that’s why god gave us two hands I guess.  🙂

So a bit of a crap morning for me. I was very upset this time and couldn’t hold it together in his office but was alright again after some deep breaths and he said it was good that I feel good. I said I feel great, I feel the best I’ve had in ages, well I feel fat too but other than that I feel great I said..! Why I told him I feel fat is beyond me.. perhaps they can remove some fatty tissue from my belly, arse and thighs next time..

So now I’m back on the waiting game for results, decisions and more.

On the plus side I am finally going to do my charity singing night to raise money for PASYKAF. (health permitting) An old friend and singing partner Gino who is an excellent guitarist will be assisting me and it will be at the OHM bar in Kato Paphos on Friday the 15th of October. There will be a buffet meal and a raffle and the entry fee is 10 Euros which includes the buffet and raffle prizes.  All proceeds will go to PASYKAF.   I will ad more info later on!

Until then keep praying for me and for those who need you.

Devastated

Words cannot express how devastated I am. Its as if I have ran out of air and its hard to breathe. I can’t even be bothered to stand up straight. I feel so low.

Before I got the results I was so optimistic that I would deal with it no matter what the outcome but it appears its a little harder this time.

The what if’s are creeping back in, I mean after all my treatment and its still there, means its a persistent little bugger and I really have to put some energy together to fight it. I guess recently it seems to be a lot of disappointment, loosing my job has really upset me as I didn’t expect that and sure there are many jobs out there, but being fired is what has affected me. I had something to look forward to when my treatment was over, normality. Now I have to beat this and then see if I can get a job and that someone will hire me with my medical history.

I’ve got my son with me at home today, I think I will spend some time cuddling him. Bob the builder and Thomas the tank engine have been on this morning.. a bit of easy TV watching ha

All I want to do is smoke a thousand cigarettes and drink too much. But that’s poison so its gonna have to be juice and fresh air.. joy!

Results

I finally got a call today from my doctor, he said that its not good, he said that I will need treatment.  I asked if its radiotherapy and he said as that hasn’t worked they will need to find another way of treating it. 

Its bollocks isn’t it. After all the bus rides, the burns, getting fired and now I still have cancer.  How sucky sucky sucky sucky is that.

I want to shout obscenities, I feel like I’ve been punched in my stomach and my whole world has collapsed again. The whole world is happening around me and I just want to shout stop. I want to get off now. I don’t like this ride I want to go on another one please.

So I guess you can say that my melanoma is putting up a fight.  I wont give up though and I have more fight in me, and I refuse to let this beat me.

But for now I’m gonna walk around in a  haze, feel sorry for myself, be really really really pissed off and perhaps shout a few obscenities at the world. 

😦

No news

I haven’t updated this for a while so I thought id ramble for a bit.  I still haven’t had news from my biopsy that was taken out on the 4th.  I have had my stitches out and I have to say the surgeons did such a fine job you can’t even tell I had another minor op there.

My friend came to visit me and said I heal quickly and that I have great skin! I said yes I have great skin but its trying to kill me, yay for me! haha Its ok you can laugh at that. 🙂  I’m a little multi coloured under my arm now but I am using bio oil to reduce scarring. It has come a long way since its toasted state.

I am due to see my oncologist next week for my three month check up already! These check ups are odd. He has a good feel of my neck and shoulders and does the tap tap thing everywhere. I wonder if he is looking for an echo? Cause he wont hear it under my skin.. there’s too much food in it.   I seemed to have got quite podgy recently so I’ve decided to join a gym!  A fit body will have less chances of infections and this will be part of my battle too.

Still no news on the job front as of yet. Things are quiet in Paphos at the moment so I may struggle for a while, but I remain optimistic even though I have trouble sleeping at night as I am worried about the mortgage and all the other things that I could have done without worrying in my condition.

Still they say whenever life hands you lemons you should use them with tequila and have a party.. but if I keep doing that I’ll be permanently hammered!  So life can you cut me a break please and perhaps hand me some orange juice instead? 🙂

So hopefully by today I’ll have some great news and more great news next week when I see the radiologist. 🙂

Hope you are all well and fighting the battle.  Even when things get really bad have a good cry, shout obscenities then pull yourself together for the next step. 🙂

Busy busy

Well considering I am now unemployed I’ve been quite busy.

Saturday I went to have the lump removed. My surgeons said there was no point in draining it or testing it so they just removed it. I was under local anesthetic so that was rather strange as I couldn’t feel any pain but I could feel them tugging at my armpit!  I even got to see my very small tiny piece of lump they removed which was pink but with some dark bits in it.   They said it could be a rogue lymph node or a melanotic lesion.  This has left me slightly concerned.  But I am keeping optimistic as if there was anything really wrong the MRI would not have been clear!  I need to wait 8 days for my stitches to come out as they said it will take longer to heal from radiotherapy which as weakened my skin.

Monday I ran around various banks signing papers and paying money which I don’t really have to spare now thanks to my new situation.  I have to say, although a new door opens its not very nice when the other one slams shut in your face especially when you’ve been dealing with an illness like mine.  You’d much rather have support and understanding, but I guess that isn’t work related so I shouldn’t expect it. Even if I had worked there for 4 1/2 years.  These days some people just don’t care and this has been proven to me a lot recently.

Yesterday I went and arranged my sample to be taken to Nicosia. I just need to wait for it to be tested… Wont get results till next week some time.

I also went to the unemployment office and social security.  Its so embarrassing telling people you’ve been laid off.  I am 35 and the last time that happened was when I was 18.. I took my son with me which was a huge mistake as he run riot and shouted loudly as the room echoed.. I guess he likes the sound of his own voice as much as I do.. haha

My party celebrating life on Saturday night was fab.  About 10 of us ended up out till 4:30am so I was hungover for two days. But you know you had a good night when you loose your voice and are hungover for two days.. haha I won’t be doing that again in a hurry though.

Well that’s it for now.

Got an interview at 10:00am…. I feel optimistic about the new prospects in my life.

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