Words cannot express how devastated I am. Its as if I have ran out of air and its hard to breathe. I can’t even be bothered to stand up straight. I feel so low.

Before I got the results I was so optimistic that I would deal with it no matter what the outcome but it appears its a little harder this time.

The what if’s are creeping back in, I mean after all my treatment and its still there, means its a persistent little bugger and I really have to put some energy together to fight it. I guess recently it seems to be a lot of disappointment, loosing my job has really upset me as I didn’t expect that and sure there are many jobs out there, but being fired is what has affected me. I had something to look forward to when my treatment was over, normality. Now I have to beat this and then see if I can get a job and that someone will hire me with my medical history.

I’ve got my son with me at home today, I think I will spend some time cuddling him. Bob the builder and Thomas the tank engine have been on this morning.. a bit of easy TV watching ha

All I want to do is smoke a thousand cigarettes and drink too much. But that’s poison so its gonna have to be juice and fresh air.. joy!