Devastated

Words cannot express how devastated I am. Its as if I have ran out of air and its hard to breathe. I can’t even be bothered to stand up straight. I feel so low.

Before I got the results I was so optimistic that I would deal with it no matter what the outcome but it appears its a little harder this time.

The what if’s are creeping back in, I mean after all my treatment and its still there, means its a persistent little bugger and I really have to put some energy together to fight it. I guess recently it seems to be a lot of disappointment, loosing my job has really upset me as I didn’t expect that and sure there are many jobs out there, but being fired is what has affected me. I had something to look forward to when my treatment was over, normality. Now I have to beat this and then see if I can get a job and that someone will hire me with my medical history.

I’ve got my son with me at home today, I think I will spend some time cuddling him. Bob the builder and Thomas the tank engine have been on this morning.. a bit of easy TV watching ha

All I want to do is smoke a thousand cigarettes and drink too much. But that’s poison so its gonna have to be juice and fresh air.. joy!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Zhanna P. Rader
    Sep 22, 2010 @ 00:46:51

    Dear Alethea,
    This is a bad news indeed. Who would not be devastated if in your place! My heart hurts for you. You have even bigger challenges now. But at least the melanoma has not spread to any new places. What can doctors offer to you now, except for chemotherapy to kill the new melanoma cells? And another surgery first? I believe you will know more about your additional treatment on Wednesday. I hope the doctors will tell you about all the treatment options. The best bet for a fast recovery must be the latest trials with the new tumors-shrinking drugs. I am sure you have read about them. But you need to get to where such trials take place. The doctors need to have that in their thoughts and to try do something about it. Whatever your treatment will be, we your friends, will always be with you. It’s most unfair and vexing that you have to face this new and difficult challenge. Still, try to gather all your mental strength to continue fighting this awful thing – melanoma. I’ll be following your treatments and recovery, you may be sure. Best of luck to you. You do not have any other choice but to beat this disease.

    With love,
    Zhanna

    Reply

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