How I feel

Well during the day, I feel ok. Today is the first day I woke up without a headache! Bonus.

nighttime is different. I get all snuggled up with my husband and act all silly and tell him I love him and that I’m sorry if I don’t wake up the next day. He says don’t be silly. 

I am afraid of going to sleep.  I’m afraid I wont wake up again.  You can say don’t think like that. I dont. I dont think I am going to die. I think I might not wake up. Not that I’ll know if I haven’t but If I suddenly find myself upstairs I’ll be really pissed off and demand he sends me back. But by then it will be too late. 

So every day I wake up happy, just cause I’m awake. My house is a mess and I really want to clean it but I can’t be arsed. Think that’s the depression side.  Then I put you tube karaoke songs on and I start singing out loud like an idiot which cheers me up.

My son nearly two can sence there’s something wrong and isn’t really into me at the moment and cries if I pick him up. That’s upsetting so I hope he’ll come round soon. I need his cuddles. They are very therapeutic.

So now you know how I feel.  I am ok. I can beat these 7 little shits. There’s no room for them in my happy brain. But after a long day when I am tired they are there to remind me that life is short and I’m to make the most of it. Not forgetting ever to tell the nearest and dearest that I love them.

I love you and I’m sorry if one morning I don’t wake up.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sue Richards
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 15:02:02

    We love you too. And so does your darling boy. He’s just worried about you. This happened with my friend’s kids too, they worry, they kind of ignore you a bit, and it feels hurtful but it is a healthy reaction so at least you know he is behaving how he should!
    You are the most important person in his little world and that’s all that matters. Stay strong Alethea, you are in everyone’s minds and hearts. xxx

    Reply

  2. Zhanna P. Rader
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 15:10:59

    Alethea, all your feelings are fully understandable. Everyone would feel the same way if in your place. And yes, you will beat those seven things. You do not need to be afraid you won’t wake up one morning. It does not happen like that. People die only at their last stages after long treatments that may stop working. Yours is not the case at all. You are at the beginning of the fight that you will win. You will be O.K. after all the treatments. You will see. You’ll win and you’ll continue enjoying your life.
    My love and tender hugs to you.
    Zhanna

    Reply

  3. Harry
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 16:03:52

    I have just had a word with your uncle Harry and he says he wont let you go upstairs he will kick your arse hard back downstairs xx keep your chin up even when times are hard love and you are having some hard times ,we are all thinking of you and if you need to scream at anybody give me a shout love and scream away xxxx

    Reply

  4. Lesley & kev
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 22:33:41

    Kev and I read your old blog about boobs, bums and crown jewels, kev says hes is a gem, he has been there done that and got the tee-shirt, he dont like it when they come there with the wiggerly fingers! and your bums hanging out, sense of humour, radio 2 and singing dic-a-dum-dum! is a must. on the up note good luck our girl you are a star! xxx

    Reply

  5. Irene Stuttard
    Jan 20, 2011 @ 23:45:10

    Alethea hun what can i say,i know one thing i can say you are going nowhere,i told you before Uncle Harry @ Auntie Beryl do not want there peace shattered. I had words with them both and told them sort her out will you she has gone through enough.
    Good luck when you see your oncologist on Friday.
    Never forget we are all with you we will fight your battle with you and when Alethea’s army goes into battle nothing will stand in the way.
    Love to you all
    Auntie Irene @ Family

    Reply

    • Lesley & kev
      Jan 21, 2011 @ 20:00:02

      Auntie Irene, can kev and I please be a part of your army and fight for a beautiful woman Alethea xx

      Reply

  6. k
    Jan 21, 2011 @ 13:23:59

    Reply

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