Getting better

How do you know if you are getting better when you have something like brain tumours?  You cant see it getting better like a scab on your knee! No healing bones, no disappearing bruises.  So its hard to feel like you are getting better when you aren’t sure if you are getting better, even though you look like you are better and people say you are getting better.   I feel like a ticking time bomb. I mean I have these tumours in my head and I don’t know what they are up to in there. Are they dead? Are they growing? Shrinking… having a party? I don’t know. Very frustrating.

I feel better some days. My legs need replacing though.  ha they are super lazy and weak and its annoying cause its probably a combination of the extra weight, the cortisone and the stupid feckin brain tumours. I even manage to exercise with a special trainer 3 times a week to try build up energy, loose weight and strengthen my legs.  So that must count for better.

Then there are days when getting out of bed is so hard I hate it.  But my son is shouting muuuuuuuuuuum lol so there’s my motivation to get up. Does that mean I’m not better?  I’d like to think not.  But that’s just it with cancer, you don’t know. 

Got a bone scan booked for next month. I start my chemo course again tomorrow for one week and then I have to have a blood transfusion cause my hemoglobin is low.  How rubbish is that.  I don’t want someone else’s blood in me.  What if it’s not clean? Sure they are so many tests done etc but you hear some horror stories..  Then again, they may give me this super blood, that will clean out my system.  That’s a better thought eh.

Tried the ozone therapy yesterday. Its like a very hot steam room thingy. It will be good to clear out my system of toxins. That will help me get better too. So I’m going for more of them.

In the meantime, I sit home alone most days apart from training days which are also injection days wondering if I am better yet. Wondering when I will be able to walk up stairs easily, not have to use the disabled toilet cause I cant stand up off a normal one as legs aren’t strong enough, wondering if I can pick my son up from school this day or will I be to exhausted from doing virtually nothing all day and then tell myself I’m better.

But I have good days, thank god and those are the days I know I’m better.  Those are the days I hope I am better.  Positive affirmations. Positive thoughts.  Don’t come easy these days.  But I’m trying my best.