Getting better

How do you know if you are getting better when you have something like brain tumours?  You cant see it getting better like a scab on your knee! No healing bones, no disappearing bruises.  So its hard to feel like you are getting better when you aren’t sure if you are getting better, even though you look like you are better and people say you are getting better.   I feel like a ticking time bomb. I mean I have these tumours in my head and I don’t know what they are up to in there. Are they dead? Are they growing? Shrinking… having a party? I don’t know. Very frustrating.

I feel better some days. My legs need replacing though.  ha they are super lazy and weak and its annoying cause its probably a combination of the extra weight, the cortisone and the stupid feckin brain tumours. I even manage to exercise with a special trainer 3 times a week to try build up energy, loose weight and strengthen my legs.  So that must count for better.

Then there are days when getting out of bed is so hard I hate it.  But my son is shouting muuuuuuuuuuum lol so there’s my motivation to get up. Does that mean I’m not better?  I’d like to think not.  But that’s just it with cancer, you don’t know. 

Got a bone scan booked for next month. I start my chemo course again tomorrow for one week and then I have to have a blood transfusion cause my hemoglobin is low.  How rubbish is that.  I don’t want someone else’s blood in me.  What if it’s not clean? Sure they are so many tests done etc but you hear some horror stories..  Then again, they may give me this super blood, that will clean out my system.  That’s a better thought eh.

Tried the ozone therapy yesterday. Its like a very hot steam room thingy. It will be good to clear out my system of toxins. That will help me get better too. So I’m going for more of them.

In the meantime, I sit home alone most days apart from training days which are also injection days wondering if I am better yet. Wondering when I will be able to walk up stairs easily, not have to use the disabled toilet cause I cant stand up off a normal one as legs aren’t strong enough, wondering if I can pick my son up from school this day or will I be to exhausted from doing virtually nothing all day and then tell myself I’m better.

But I have good days, thank god and those are the days I know I’m better.  Those are the days I hope I am better.  Positive affirmations. Positive thoughts.  Don’t come easy these days.  But I’m trying my best.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vicki
    May 17, 2011 @ 15:05:00

    Keep staying positive, so what if you have days when you can’t do things? You’re not expected to be able to run a marathon just yet! It happens to me too and but my illness is minor compared to yours! Keep smiling x

    Reply

  2. Joanna
    May 17, 2011 @ 16:17:46

    You are a strong woman Alethea and have your whole life in front of you, keep thinking positive , take it slow and dont push your self to much, you will get better , god wants you to get better for all the good and postive energy you have given to others XX

    Reply

  3. Randi
    May 17, 2011 @ 17:48:46

    Alathea
    You are doing great and the side effects of radiation treatment are not easy. Do they have Cyberknife or Gamma knife radiation treatment where you went. It is very targeted to each tumor. I had 2 melanoma brain mets and they are using cyberknife radiation. Hang in there girl!
    randi-las vegas

    Reply

  4. Zhanna P. Rader
    May 17, 2011 @ 22:54:03

    Dear Alethea, indeed, recovering from melanoma is not a short process. I feel for you. However, you are doing everything right. I wish you could have MRIs more often. But, perhaps, it might not be that good for a body. It seems, all that’s left to do is follow the doctors’ prescriptions and advice and be patient. I wish you more good days until you are much, much better. You are admirable in your fight for a good health.
    Love,
    Zhanna

    Reply

  5. maggie
    May 18, 2011 @ 00:22:51

    hello

    I have been so moved by your experience with tumours from melanoma. I was living in Cyprus when I first heard your amazing story

    and I have been reading and posting on your story and advice every since

    but this time reading I was moved to write to you

    please do not be frightened of your blood transfusion, I myself had a large blood transfusion some years ago and it saved my life, I caught no horrible things from my blood transfusion, I didn’t suddenly become some one else with some one elses thoughts, I just lived

    sending you happy thoughts

    you are truly an inspiration

    maggie xxxx

    Reply

  6. Jo King
    May 25, 2011 @ 13:41:34

    Hi Alethea think about you often and so glad you keep this blog going even when you feel at your worst its good to know how you are doing. Lots of love, positive energy and thoughts for you honey xxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

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