Getting better

How do you know if you are getting better when you have something like brain tumours?  You cant see it getting better like a scab on your knee! No healing bones, no disappearing bruises.  So its hard to feel like you are getting better when you aren’t sure if you are getting better, even though you look like you are better and people say you are getting better.   I feel like a ticking time bomb. I mean I have these tumours in my head and I don’t know what they are up to in there. Are they dead? Are they growing? Shrinking… having a party? I don’t know. Very frustrating.

I feel better some days. My legs need replacing though.  ha they are super lazy and weak and its annoying cause its probably a combination of the extra weight, the cortisone and the stupid feckin brain tumours. I even manage to exercise with a special trainer 3 times a week to try build up energy, loose weight and strengthen my legs.  So that must count for better.

Then there are days when getting out of bed is so hard I hate it.  But my son is shouting muuuuuuuuuuum lol so there’s my motivation to get up. Does that mean I’m not better?  I’d like to think not.  But that’s just it with cancer, you don’t know. 

Got a bone scan booked for next month. I start my chemo course again tomorrow for one week and then I have to have a blood transfusion cause my hemoglobin is low.  How rubbish is that.  I don’t want someone else’s blood in me.  What if it’s not clean? Sure they are so many tests done etc but you hear some horror stories..  Then again, they may give me this super blood, that will clean out my system.  That’s a better thought eh.

Tried the ozone therapy yesterday. Its like a very hot steam room thingy. It will be good to clear out my system of toxins. That will help me get better too. So I’m going for more of them.

In the meantime, I sit home alone most days apart from training days which are also injection days wondering if I am better yet. Wondering when I will be able to walk up stairs easily, not have to use the disabled toilet cause I cant stand up off a normal one as legs aren’t strong enough, wondering if I can pick my son up from school this day or will I be to exhausted from doing virtually nothing all day and then tell myself I’m better.

But I have good days, thank god and those are the days I know I’m better.  Those are the days I hope I am better.  Positive affirmations. Positive thoughts.  Don’t come easy these days.  But I’m trying my best.

Advertisements

Back to “normal”!

Well I am pretty much back to normal now. My armpit well and truly on the mend and pain is very minimal. I guess that’s to remind me I’m still alive! 🙂  I could have been lying in a hospital bed now with a drip in my arm instead feeling rather crap.

I’m going for a right boob scan this morning. I am hoping its all clear. But as I’ve found nothing myself I’m pretty sure all is well.

It has been a very strange time these past few months.  Being “normal” is strange for me. I go back to work tomorrow and I feel like I’ve been gone ages rather than just a couple of months.  So my first day back will be like starting a new job all over again until I get back into the routine. I’ve been there four years mind so it shouldn’t take me long to get the hang of it!  Although change isn’t my favourite thing I easily adapt to new environments. I wouldn’t have a baby if I didn’t!!

My son is the light of my life. Throughout this he has helped me the most.  Picking up from nursery after radiotherapy stopped me from ever feeling sad and recovering from my burns he kept me busy and took his first steps too! I love watching him walk now. Although tiring Its such an amazing accomplishment when your little ones start walking.  He’s getting very much like me.  Quite the tantrum if he doesn’t get what he wants haha

Did you know that whilst driving in your car you can get sunburned too! Just cause you think you are shaded in the car,  doesn’t mean you are safe.  My husband realised that. He will be more careful now.  I try to wear long skirts and protect myself on long drives.

I am hoping to organise a singathon or something along those lines to help spread awareness of malignant melanoma and raise money for PASYCAF who have helped me throughout all this.  So for those of you who live near by I will let you know so you can come and watch if you like.  I am also planning a night out to celebrate too! Whoop whoop!

Well, that’s it for me for now. Plus my latest and last armpit photo. Finally better. Yay for being better! 🙂

I will post again when I get results from scan.

Thank you for following my news! 🙂

Taken 30/08/10