Knackered

Yesterday I got up feeling glad it was Saturday.

I had to go do some card shopping for birthdays and some pressie shopping for a christening and baby shower.   I normally do that shopping in Debs in town.  A friend of mine works there, her son is in the same class as mine. We’ve chatted on and off since before we were both pregnant and always have a good natter since my son joined hers in school.  She knew I was going for surgery so she asked how it all went.  I told her the truth that I have cancer and she went all quiet and her eyes filled up! I said “don’t be sad, I’m not gonna die” then I tried to cheer her up by wearing funny sun glasses.    I felt awful after for telling her.  You see this is the kind of thing people aren’t really ready to hear when they ask how you are, which is why my sons school teachers don’t know and other people who know me but aren’t on facebook and don’t see me regularly enough to know my health situation don’t know either.  Its not the kind of news you share.   Why am I writing a blog you might ask then? Cause I am not actually looking at you as you are reading this. So neither of us have to cope with each others reaction.  Writing stuff down is a great way of getting things off your chest and perhaps help others who could be in the same position understand that they are not alone.

We later went to a baby shower of a dear friend of mine and her little girl was so cute it made me broody!  Then there was a pregnant girl there too, glowing and looking far to fab for a 8 month pregnant girl, and that made me broody too! Funny how you always want what you cant have lol

Hubby and I had arranged for my mum to come round last night to babysit so we could go out for a nice meal.  But by 6 o’clock I was so knackered I canceled and just collapsed on the couch again. Crap.

Today, we had to get up and ready very early as I had a family Christening to go to in Limassol.  My dad’s side of the family were there. All Cypriot.   They all know!  So when I arrived I got that extra hug, and that extra arm squeeze, the look of concern in their eyes and then I was able to sit down to eat.   They were all really supportive so I didn’t feel too out of place. When it was time to go, the same thing happened, that extra long hug, the arm stroke this time and lots of words of strength and support too.   They asked more about the whole process and told me not to worry and that everything was going to be alright providing I stay strong, which I am.  People really do look at you differently when they know you have cancer. Its nice to know I am so loved! 🙂 (ok so that was cheesy sorry!)

By the time we got home I was shattered once again. I actually went to bed for an afternoon sleep! I never do afternoon sleeps! NEVER, not even when Christian wasn’t sleeping properly.  I’ve got ants in my pants and I’m afraid I might miss something. That hasn’t changed since I was a little girl!

Anyway, I here are some visual effects for those of you who are curious! The first picture was taken 6 days after surgery, and the second 17 days after the surgery..the scar is shrinking cause the doctors did a really good job. Dr Phylactis and Dr Lucas from the Royal Medical Clinic in Paphos.

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An eye opener

So today I woke up feeling really low.   I tried watching cartoons to take my mind of whats really happening but I couldn’t shake the blues so even Barney songs made me cry a little.  I try really hard not to cry at random times as I don’t want to upset those around me as they are as worried as I am!

As the day progressed though we had a family lunch at my parents house which was lovely.  BBQ chicken and pork, black eyed peas and healthy salad.  I skipped the pork cause they say red meat is a food to avoid if you have cancer.  I did have a few glasses of wine though.   My son had a quick splash in my parents pool and I watched from the side as it was too cold for me plus I can only really go up to my waist line as still have my one big stitch in from my operation! Cant wait to have that out on Monday!!

Having the stitch in my arm has made it rather difficult to actually have a full on shower so my hair by now was really starting to get greasy and disgusting and my right armpit was starting to leave a bad scent trail behind me, you know like the kind in cartoons only not good! lol   So you can imagine how happy I was when I found some waterproof gauze thingies from when I had my mole removed last year in my drawers!  I had a full on long shower! Amazing it was.  After that I changed my gauze and shaved my right armpit hair that was starting to resemble wild grass growing in a field!!   So now I have a partially shaved right armpit that smells a lot better! yay!

I went out in the evening. I decided that as I am having all these tests next week, at the end of it I will need treatment either way and perhaps even surgery, so my nights out will be limited as well as my drinking which I planned to totally give up anyway until I’ve gotten rid of this stupid illness.  So my sister and I went to town and a few of my good friends joined me.

I was having a good time but every time I looked around I could see smiling faces and it felt strange and I was wondering when I would be smiling next and really mean it you know the kind that comes from inside smile.  People asked how I was and I always replied great thanks! I mean what do you say to people, well actually I’m shit, I have cancer? Thats not really what you tell everyone who asks how you are.   But there are people out there who have it worse. Last night a friend told me his 6 year old sister was being tested for Cystic Fibrosis. How awful is that at that age.

The drinks were flowing fast and furious as our friends kept buying us drinks and then my stupid water proof gauze came unstuck.  I had a complete meltdown in the toilets! Cause it finally hit home. I’m out trying to have fun but I have cancer. Its hard to have fun when you know that. Life just isn’t the same anymore.  You look at it differently and people who know look at you differently too.

My friends and sister where very supportive of me however and so at every sign of my tears they distracted me by either taking me to the dance floor, buying me yet another drink and I even got bought a flower.  🙂

I didn’t get in till nearly 4am! I can’t believe I was out that late. But I just couldn’t face coming home any sooner and just wanted to forget.  My hubby woke up and then I had verbal diarrhea for about half an hour before I finally shut up and went to sleep!

An eye opener of a day.