Where to begin?

Once upon a time there was this girl (me) who when she was pregnant with her first and only child (so far) was diagnosed with malignant melanoma in her back from a mole aka freckle, beauty spot etc in December 2008. In March 2009 during c-section further re movement of back tissue was done to ensure all the mole was gone.  This was done successfully and results where good.  After that, blood tests came back clear, a CT scan that also came back clear in October 2009. Excellent. This girl and her husband and son lived happily ever after.

The present day.

On April 13th I found a lump in my right armpit. It was a tiny lump. Hubby insisted I go check it out. I did. The doctor said it was just a swollen lymph and its probably nothing to worry about, the two aren’t related and to go back if it grew. Well it grew, rapidly. On Friday 30th I had general anesthetic as they said it was a cyst that was growing and removed it. On Tuesday the 4th of May the doctors said it was malignant melanoma. They said it was related to my back mole. They took out sourrounding lymph nodes to check them for too.  On 06/05/10 I was diangosed with malignant metastatic melanoma.

How crap is THAT. I mean you go about your daily routine, working, paying bills, arguing about what channel to watch on TV, how expensive it is to go shopping these days and then this happens. And everything else doesn’t matter.

I was in my sons room getting him ready for bed and I was dancing around trying to make him smile and I wondered, what if I dont get to see him grow up?  What if he grows up without his mum? What if he turns out different, just because he didnt have a mum?

Then I ask myself, can I have more children? Should I have more children? I mean what if I have more children and then my poor husband will have no one to help him if I die?

A thousand questions I have asked myself at the same time as trying to remain positive and saying I am going to beat this.  But am I?  I will do my best! But what if my best isnt good enough? How do you fight the inevitable if something is inevitable?

Tomorrow I am going to see the oncologist. He will tell me what ammunition I will be needing to fight my war against melanoma.

Here you can read about it.