Another bad day

Today I woke up at 10:30 ish. It’s the longest I’ve stayed asleep since I have had my son. I didn’t hear the monitor or anything I was so knackered. My husband kindly took over for me knowing how hung over I was going to be! Which I was… not the headache kind, the kind that makes you feel as though you did kill some brain cells.. a lot perhaps in my case.  Hope some of those were cancer cells too! That will teach it to mess with me..

I walked down stairs and sat down on the couch and my husband then told me that my Auntie passed away that morning!  My mum’s sister and best friend.  Gutted.  And here’s me thinking, really, what else is going to go bad this week!  I’d only received a text from her last week saying to be strong, and how she has got through cancer and is still strong at 72!  You just never know though what life is going to throw at you next.

I got my son ready and hubby and I went to spend some time with my mum.  I knew my son would make her smile,  because no matter how sad I am feeling my son always makes me smile with just one look and when I get a cuddle, well that has its special healing powers.  He’s only nearly 15 months old and already he has helped me through the worst time of my life!!

The rest of the day was more like a haze really. Very slow, remembering and talking about my lovely Auntie Beryl.  Bit of a numb bad day.

An eye opener

So today I woke up feeling really low.   I tried watching cartoons to take my mind of whats really happening but I couldn’t shake the blues so even Barney songs made me cry a little.  I try really hard not to cry at random times as I don’t want to upset those around me as they are as worried as I am!

As the day progressed though we had a family lunch at my parents house which was lovely.  BBQ chicken and pork, black eyed peas and healthy salad.  I skipped the pork cause they say red meat is a food to avoid if you have cancer.  I did have a few glasses of wine though.   My son had a quick splash in my parents pool and I watched from the side as it was too cold for me plus I can only really go up to my waist line as still have my one big stitch in from my operation! Cant wait to have that out on Monday!!

Having the stitch in my arm has made it rather difficult to actually have a full on shower so my hair by now was really starting to get greasy and disgusting and my right armpit was starting to leave a bad scent trail behind me, you know like the kind in cartoons only not good! lol   So you can imagine how happy I was when I found some waterproof gauze thingies from when I had my mole removed last year in my drawers!  I had a full on long shower! Amazing it was.  After that I changed my gauze and shaved my right armpit hair that was starting to resemble wild grass growing in a field!!   So now I have a partially shaved right armpit that smells a lot better! yay!

I went out in the evening. I decided that as I am having all these tests next week, at the end of it I will need treatment either way and perhaps even surgery, so my nights out will be limited as well as my drinking which I planned to totally give up anyway until I’ve gotten rid of this stupid illness.  So my sister and I went to town and a few of my good friends joined me.

I was having a good time but every time I looked around I could see smiling faces and it felt strange and I was wondering when I would be smiling next and really mean it you know the kind that comes from inside smile.  People asked how I was and I always replied great thanks! I mean what do you say to people, well actually I’m shit, I have cancer? Thats not really what you tell everyone who asks how you are.   But there are people out there who have it worse. Last night a friend told me his 6 year old sister was being tested for Cystic Fibrosis. How awful is that at that age.

The drinks were flowing fast and furious as our friends kept buying us drinks and then my stupid water proof gauze came unstuck.  I had a complete meltdown in the toilets! Cause it finally hit home. I’m out trying to have fun but I have cancer. Its hard to have fun when you know that. Life just isn’t the same anymore.  You look at it differently and people who know look at you differently too.

My friends and sister where very supportive of me however and so at every sign of my tears they distracted me by either taking me to the dance floor, buying me yet another drink and I even got bought a flower.  🙂

I didn’t get in till nearly 4am! I can’t believe I was out that late. But I just couldn’t face coming home any sooner and just wanted to forget.  My hubby woke up and then I had verbal diarrhea for about half an hour before I finally shut up and went to sleep!

An eye opener of a day.