The hard part for me

Everyone deals with cancer differently.
I’m finding it hard dealing with the loss of me. Cause even though I am of course still me what I see in the mirror isn’t me. It’s another version. A rounder, fatter, hairier faced, sick version of me. Last time I had melanoma in my lymph nodes and I needed surgery I was still me. I coped with the pain, the radiotherapy burns and the leftover scars cause the whole time I still looked like me!
You will say hair will grow back. The cortisone effects will wear off. Mobility back when Charlie dies. People loose far more during their battles with serious illness. Its only hair. Its silly but every morning now my hair is everywhere and its depressing. I cannot wash it, brush it or touch it without it coming out in clumps. And no matter how brave you are and how many jokes you can make about pulling off the Telly Savallas look at the end of the day you don’t want to look like him. You want to look like you. Wigs and experiments can give you a temporary fix but what you see in the mirror isn’t you.
Its very hard for me to accept the new me. I am Alethea. I don’t look like Alethea (in my eyes that is) but I am still Alethea. . I am strong and fighting every day, believing in the zapping and before long I will be better. In the meantime one has to try fight depression stop it from taking over your whole body cause you cant help feeling sad cause your body is going through so many changes.
People know you have cancer when you have no hair on your head. And then its like a huge sign saying hey everyone l’ve had or have cancer. And then everyone looks at you differently. They cant help it. Its something humans do. We look at people differently when they are sick. People whisper. Hug you gently cause they think you may break.
So you see cancer is a horrible disease cause it makes you different, people see you differently and all you want to be is yourself.

And all this cause I spent so much time sunbathing without the proper protection. How annoying is THAT!

A month has passed already

So its been a whole month since I had my first surgery. I had my stitches out today. I had to go in and see the doctor as I was leaking from my drain so I freaked out thinking I may have pulled it out and went to see him.   He wasn’t all that pleased but luckily it didn’t actually come out and now I have to leave it in till Thursday. My results still weren’t in however as mentioned previously I get them tomorrow and so far they look promising.

I’ve decided that I will use interferon if offered to me.  Side effects means you get to feel a bit crap but at least I’ll be alive to feel crap eh!

My son has started to warm up to me again and give me cuddles! He has been really good with Bob (drain) and hasn’t tried to pull it or lift it or even look at it. Clever little boy I gave birth to! hehe

Hubby has been excellent as usual, cooking and cleaning and ironing whilst I sit and do nothing!  I feel like a princess, till my son farts on me and the dream is over! lol  Too many men in the house.. I’ll definately have to try for a baby girl next time! Even things out a little.

I am completely up to date with Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lost, 90210 and Eastenders ombnibuses! Talk about square eyes.  Can’t really do much else as my arm still isn’t strong enough and I am shattered all the time. Apparently having an axillary clearance is quite a major operation. I didn’t realise this till recently. So even though I may look ok, I feel like shit. lol

I cant wait till I can roll over in bed and not worry about ripping Bob out, being in pain and what happens next.  My mind was in over drive this morning after our darling son woke us up playing his noisy toy in bed at 345am.. which indicates he wants a bottle before he will go back to sleep.  I tossed and turned and tried to get comfy and I couldn’t so I asked my husband to give me a hug, which at the present time involves hand holding!  Poor chap. I think its cause I’m nervous again about the whole thing.

So apart from spending a lot of time thinking about life, friends and whats happened to me, I haven’t really been doing much with myself.

I guess life will never quite been normal for me as I will always have this cause Malignant Melanoma is the kind that can come back over and over again. However, in some cases it doesn’t. As it already has for me I guess I am not one of those cases.   I hope this time its gone and it wont come back.  I would very much like to not have to worry about such an awful disease.

So my advise to you is, always where sunscreen, do not use sunbeds, do not sunbathe if really hot.  Because things like this can happen to anyone. At any age.  I was a huge sun worshiper, I remember the days when I’d lie on coral bay, sunbathing with little or no sunscreen on because I have darker skin.  I don’t have to worry about sunburn I used to say.   Stupid me.  I’ve learned my lesson now.  Now I have a sunhat and I will always wear sunscreen every day, even when I am just going to the shops.  Now I don’t really have a choice anymore.

However its not all bad, I’m alive, I am treatable,  I have a lovely supportive family, and real friends that have been there for me during my most difficult time and have visited me in hospital and have made me smile. I will keep saying this but life is so much better when you smile. (ok so I’m a lot cheesy!)

Cant wait till I get my results tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for reading! 🙂