The hard part for me

Everyone deals with cancer differently.
I’m finding it hard dealing with the loss of me. Cause even though I am of course still me what I see in the mirror isn’t me. It’s another version. A rounder, fatter, hairier faced, sick version of me. Last time I had melanoma in my lymph nodes and I needed surgery I was still me. I coped with the pain, the radiotherapy burns and the leftover scars cause the whole time I still looked like me!
You will say hair will grow back. The cortisone effects will wear off. Mobility back when Charlie dies. People loose far more during their battles with serious illness. Its only hair. Its silly but every morning now my hair is everywhere and its depressing. I cannot wash it, brush it or touch it without it coming out in clumps. And no matter how brave you are and how many jokes you can make about pulling off the Telly Savallas look at the end of the day you don’t want to look like him. You want to look like you. Wigs and experiments can give you a temporary fix but what you see in the mirror isn’t you.
Its very hard for me to accept the new me. I am Alethea. I don’t look like Alethea (in my eyes that is) but I am still Alethea. . I am strong and fighting every day, believing in the zapping and before long I will be better. In the meantime one has to try fight depression stop it from taking over your whole body cause you cant help feeling sad cause your body is going through so many changes.
People know you have cancer when you have no hair on your head. And then its like a huge sign saying hey everyone l’ve had or have cancer. And then everyone looks at you differently. They cant help it. Its something humans do. We look at people differently when they are sick. People whisper. Hug you gently cause they think you may break.
So you see cancer is a horrible disease cause it makes you different, people see you differently and all you want to be is yourself.

And all this cause I spent so much time sunbathing without the proper protection. How annoying is THAT!

Love the skin you’re in

Next time you are lying in the sun
Be careful of the damage that cannot be undone
You only have one skin,
It cannot be replaced, and it’s only very thin

I remember lying in the sun for hours
Always topping up my a tan
Sometimes needing cold showers
Cause my skin was fried as if in a pan

I didn’t know what I was doing
Back in those teenage years
Wanted to look beautiful, had no cares no fears

Sun beds are no better, they are even worse
They can kill you so darn fast
Cause that’s science not nature at its worse

Skin cancer is deadly, the worst of any kind
It can reach your vital organs,
Your lungs, your brain combined

The sun it isn’t bad for you, but you must protect your skin
Don’t make the same mistakes I did
And love the skin you’re in.

Chest pains with a side order of panic attacks

So last night I had really bad chest pains and difficulty breathing which then resulted in a big fat panick attack. One of the good things about this hotel, is that its more a patient hotel rather than a holiday hotel, so the receptionists etc are also nurses.   So Adam whent and fetched one and she said I had to go to A&E.  So off she rolled me in a wheel chair and they gave me a an ecg, blood tests and blood pressure checking, the usual stuff really and said it’s quite possibly the cortisone. DAMN that stupid fing cortisone.  Its given me nothing but hassle.  I’m down to  two mgs a day and it’s still effecting me.   Bad stuff that.

So today I have to have another ecg and see what the blood tests say when I see my doctor.   I feel very rough today, hard to move around it’s as if someone has sucked out all my air and energy and left wobbly leftovers.   arghhh 

Getting zapped at 12 and its my 11th time! I’ve passed the half way mark.   All being well, I am booked to go home on the 14th of March! YIPEEEEEE

8 down 12 to go

So the new treatment plan started on Monday.   2. 1/2 mins of ct scan then 20 mins of radiotherapy.This is less strong and better for me and will help my mobility. I have to say the first day was grulling. 20 mins really put me off and when I was finished I dragged myself off the bed straight upstairs to my room to lie down. I was not a happy bunny and it made my face hurt being pinned down for that long.

Today thought I woke up feeling ok, so I thought to myself its only 11 minutes longer. So for the 20 mins I lied there and hummed songs to help pass the time. Cant sing as well I can’t open mouth (probably a good thing) so that actually passed quick. Waited for my purple electric lights and then just a few minutes after I know I am done.   When I was finished I didn’t feel bad at all.  I have golf ball prints all over my face though which is quite funny.

Adam and I went off into town and found this restaurant that does ALL YOU CAN EAT for 4.90!  ALL YOU CAN EAT! That place was made for me.  So I ate ALL I COULD EAT and then we walked for about 1km and a half!  I’m so pleased with myself as my legs have started working again and I felt energized and happy.

So today is a good day for me. Its mind over matter.  But sometimes mind doesn’t work.  So I’m happy when it does.

Tomorrow is a new day. But I’m happy with today and that’s just excellent. 🙂

Another MRI

So yesterday I had to have another MRI.    The doctor was worried about the swelling of my knees and me losing the ability to lift myself up and walk properly.   

My right affected side of the brain as u look at me

Charlie.. the biggest tumour (old scan)

The MRI showed that all is in order, ie no more brain tumours.   Unfortunately Charlie as I first called the big and only tumour I thought I had is sat right in the place where movement of arms legs etc is controlled and he is not a happy tumour.  He is whats making me weak so a new zapping plan has had to be made which should be ready tomorrow.  They will go a little easier on him so he will perhaps go a little easier on me.    The rest of the tumours are just sat there being zapped as normal.

So I resume zapping on Monday so get the weekend off.   Let me see.. clubbing? wishful thinking.  Perhaps a quiet meal somewhere quiet and an early night.:)

We went out today again into town.  It’s extremely cold though as temperatures have dropped and it started trying to snow just as we got on the bus back.    We did manage to get some food in a tiny corner chinese place.  Not a restaurant more like a stop eat kfc kinda place.   So amazingly cheap here to eat.  Thank god.    Then off to the local supermarket for some lush fresh salads in a bag and sushi and fresh fruit.   In between chocolate mouse and er chocolate.. hahaha

I’m gonna need an extra seat on that plane for my giant ass.. mind you cortisone reduction, means hunger reduction, means less food, less chocolate smaller ass.. hope for me yet.

A x

6 down 14 to go!

Hi all.

So not long till I can come home already.

Side effects from the cortisone have well and truly kicked in.  My knee muscles gave up on me last night and I couldn’t walk. The pain was unbearable and poor Adam had to help me off the bed and on to the loo. Good husband material for sure.

I am mostly knackered with a side order of exhausted but when I can we get the bus in to town so I can stretch my legs (well up until yesterday) and get some fresh air and see some sites. We don’t get very far but we try.

I saw the doctor today. He is so nice and concerned about my knees had a good feel of them today and I have decreased my cortisone which is super fab. I am now down to 4mg twice daily instead of 8 then down to 2 on Friday and then one twice daily after! YAY that means puffiness will ease up, pain, swelling, water retention.  Cortisone is super bad for the body.

He said I’m being zapped in all the right places but I will not see the results till 4 to 6 weeks after treatment where I will require an MRI in Cyprus which will show the dead metastasis in my brain.  He gave me some funky head pictures that show all my tumours to see on paper so not sure if I can take a photo and add them on here.

So all in all everything is going well.  The chemo tablets have not affected me. Anti emetics are working so I can still eat (yay).

I remain positive with lots of swearing on bad days which I allow myself to hate the universe and be pissed off.  Confucius say it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on!  🙂

So that’s my recent news.  Treatment is working and I will know results after I get home.  Should be able to look for flights nearer the end as sometimes there are glitches with the machine and I may miss a day.  But can hopefully come home in about 19 or 20 days. Plenty of time to celebrate my son’s birthday! YAY for me and everyone.

Much love to all for all your fundraising, concerts and parties and so much more you have done.

Alethea x

Treatment time

Hi all

So this is how my days start from now on:

6am take my first anti emetic tablet then sleep till 7 and take my chemotherapy tablets. Then 8am have breakfast and at 9am take my cortisone tablets.  Then at 11am take my second  anti emetic tablet lol  I’m a walking junkie really. Rattle rattle.   I have no side effects, little nausea apart from this huge belly that is fast creaping up on me. I’m a rolley polley. sigh.

Treatment is painless. The mask is really tight though and I can’t talk or have my eyes open as I’m literally strapped to the bed with my head so I cannot move.  Adam is pleased of the invention, he will use it in Cyprus when I wont shut up I’m sure haha   I see lightning in my head throughout treatment which is very odd.  The radiotherapist chap said its rare to happen and of course, trust me to be friggin different. It scared the crap out of me as I wasnt expecting it but other than that it was ok. Quite the show really.   Treatment takes 2.5 minutes for the CT scan which will be done every time and then matched up with the brain for treatment which is 9 minutes total.

They are hoping to treat me on Saturdays too so I can get home quicker. How nice of them. I’ll be back in March in time for my sons 2nd birthday. whoop whoop.

Here are some photos of treatment in a slide show.  No Poseidon this time. And he is actually wearing a skirty thingy so what you all seem to think you SEE you dont. So there. lol

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