The hard part for me

Everyone deals with cancer differently.
I’m finding it hard dealing with the loss of me. Cause even though I am of course still me what I see in the mirror isn’t me. It’s another version. A rounder, fatter, hairier faced, sick version of me. Last time I had melanoma in my lymph nodes and I needed surgery I was still me. I coped with the pain, the radiotherapy burns and the leftover scars cause the whole time I still looked like me!
You will say hair will grow back. The cortisone effects will wear off. Mobility back when Charlie dies. People loose far more during their battles with serious illness. Its only hair. Its silly but every morning now my hair is everywhere and its depressing. I cannot wash it, brush it or touch it without it coming out in clumps. And no matter how brave you are and how many jokes you can make about pulling off the Telly Savallas look at the end of the day you don’t want to look like him. You want to look like you. Wigs and experiments can give you a temporary fix but what you see in the mirror isn’t you.
Its very hard for me to accept the new me. I am Alethea. I don’t look like Alethea (in my eyes that is) but I am still Alethea. . I am strong and fighting every day, believing in the zapping and before long I will be better. In the meantime one has to try fight depression stop it from taking over your whole body cause you cant help feeling sad cause your body is going through so many changes.
People know you have cancer when you have no hair on your head. And then its like a huge sign saying hey everyone l’ve had or have cancer. And then everyone looks at you differently. They cant help it. Its something humans do. We look at people differently when they are sick. People whisper. Hug you gently cause they think you may break.
So you see cancer is a horrible disease cause it makes you different, people see you differently and all you want to be is yourself.

And all this cause I spent so much time sunbathing without the proper protection. How annoying is THAT!

Love the skin you’re in

Next time you are lying in the sun
Be careful of the damage that cannot be undone
You only have one skin,
It cannot be replaced, and it’s only very thin

I remember lying in the sun for hours
Always topping up my a tan
Sometimes needing cold showers
Cause my skin was fried as if in a pan

I didn’t know what I was doing
Back in those teenage years
Wanted to look beautiful, had no cares no fears

Sun beds are no better, they are even worse
They can kill you so darn fast
Cause that’s science not nature at its worse

Skin cancer is deadly, the worst of any kind
It can reach your vital organs,
Your lungs, your brain combined

The sun it isn’t bad for you, but you must protect your skin
Don’t make the same mistakes I did
And love the skin you’re in.

Chest pains with a side order of panic attacks

So last night I had really bad chest pains and difficulty breathing which then resulted in a big fat panick attack. One of the good things about this hotel, is that its more a patient hotel rather than a holiday hotel, so the receptionists etc are also nurses.   So Adam whent and fetched one and she said I had to go to A&E.  So off she rolled me in a wheel chair and they gave me a an ecg, blood tests and blood pressure checking, the usual stuff really and said it’s quite possibly the cortisone. DAMN that stupid fing cortisone.  Its given me nothing but hassle.  I’m down to  two mgs a day and it’s still effecting me.   Bad stuff that.

So today I have to have another ecg and see what the blood tests say when I see my doctor.   I feel very rough today, hard to move around it’s as if someone has sucked out all my air and energy and left wobbly leftovers.   arghhh 

Getting zapped at 12 and its my 11th time! I’ve passed the half way mark.   All being well, I am booked to go home on the 14th of March! YIPEEEEEE